My suicidal tendencies.
Well since nobody ever reads this, its better i just commit to verbal diarrhea here. I like being perfect, sadly i can never ever be that in reality. I can never believe in relationships cause i know that their just keeping up some show to make me not kill myself. Well i still don’t buy the act sadly. Things will never change, he will just keep cheating and never be honest about it. Anyway i heard earlier this week that i was never intended to be in this world. Fucking mistake man, should’ve just been kept that way. Maybe D would be much happier, maybe it wouldnt make much of a diff. I’m just so insignificant. I guess its the way i look, i’m fucking ugly fat and not what people ever want to associate themselves with. I’m not rich like the other kids, i hang around them but i detest them so much, have you ever stopped and pondered how i’ve felt talking to you. Fuck your chanting you dont even know what youre praying about. Fuck your budget, fuck the calculative thing you try to make me feel bad about, i work for 6.50 an hour and you allow him to spend 3000 on some high tech shit. In no time i’ll just disappear and it won’t matter anymore. Being in some fucking better place as my cousin said. Each time you walk through the door slam it. You dirty the floor i have to clean it up. I GET BLAMED FOR EVERY FUCKING THING and you can just get angry and get away with everything. BE HAPPY BE CAREFREE BE AN ASSHOLE CAUSE IM GONE. I listen i do and all you do is treat me like thrash. Especially for you guys. Dear D, wake up feel pain once in your fucking childish ADHD head of yours and empathize with people who are weak. Dear C, not everyone is open to tell you their problems. I can never understand why youre just so kind to me i dont deserve it.
Well i’m emotionally unstable that’s what i am.
So the thought of suicide just ran through my miniscule brain yet again. I don’t really know the cause and i think it pretty much resembles the one that went by the last time.
You were extremely mean and cold to me yesterday and today. I guess you lead a perfect life, you don’t know how others feel when you tear them right down. Besides why should you really care. Besides the point, you ain’t significant at all.
So i have submissions coming up in 16 days i don’t know whether i’m up for it. Always and forever being the underdog, nobody knows and regards my existence. But that ain’t important anymore.
I don’t know if i’ll go to hell when i die, i suppose so. I’m repenting slowly but i guess that ain’t enough. I’m always all alone, i think i’m ugly.
Just everyday i think about ways of suicide, i really don’t know why. Maybe i should just go missing dead or alive. Maybe he’d stop cheating, maybe he’d stop being mean, maybe he’d stop looking at me that way, maybe she’d step up, maybe just maybe.
I do believe in reincarnation somehow, i wanna be perfect.